OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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