So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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