so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
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You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
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I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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