I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.