we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?