Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
