the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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