the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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