I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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