Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
