I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
