today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!