How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.