I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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