this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
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Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
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The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same