It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
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Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
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So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...