is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.