They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Randomize
