I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
