absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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