Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize