So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
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My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
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I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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