okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
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i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
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You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.