kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
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well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best