I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
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you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
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My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?