naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
