It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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