I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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