How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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