I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
