I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
