My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
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Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
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I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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