do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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