Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
