Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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