I'm an idiot
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
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Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
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My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love