So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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