I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just blew my weed a kiss
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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