the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.