I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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