Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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