I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
