new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
