so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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