FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night