My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
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I demand visitation hours with the duck.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
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He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.