My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.