i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage