6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
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She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
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You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.